When past hurt makes friendship feel scary
He addressed him as “friend.”
“Friend, do what you came to do.” (Matthew 26:50 ESV)
Jesus knew what his friend Judas—one of the close-knit group of disciples—was about to do: betray Him into the hands of His would-be killers. Most of us wouldn’t consider that kind of betrayal a mark of a friend.
Yet Jesus still calls Judas “friend.”
Puzzled by this, I wondered at first if it was just the translation I was reading. Nope, the word “friend” is in every translation I checked.
- Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend.” (NIV)
- Jesus said to him, “Friend, why are you here?” (RSV)
- But Jesus said to him, “Friend, why have you come?” (NKJV)
That’s because it’s in the original Greek version. In Greek, the word is ἑταῖρος.
According to Strong’s it means “a comrade:—fellow, friend.” So there’s really no trying to redefine the word the way Jesus used it.
Why does this matter to us?
We’ve all experienced pain at the hands of a friend:
- Betrayal of something shared in confidence; broken trust
- Not feeling supported in a moment of crisis
- Feeling displaced by another friendship or a romantic relationship
- Being excluded–deliberately or even accidentally
- Feeling misunderstood
- Disagreeing on divisive issues; feeling personally attacked or rejected by a difference in perspective
- Severing of relationship for reasons we don’t know or understand
Whether the pain feels incapacitating or more like a scraped knee, it’s still pain.
The natural instinct, of course, is to protect ourselves by:
- Building walls instead of making ourselves vulnerable, maintaining emotional distance in existing friendships to avoid pain.
- Cutting ties or retreating at the first sign of difficulty in the friendship.
- Not entering new relationships for fear of being hurt again in the future.
But the inevitable result of any of these is loneliness (even if we’re not technically alone)… which means we’re just trading one kind of pain for another.
Instead of isolating ourselves, let’s emulate Jesus who—though He knew Judas would betray Him—still engaged with Judas, investing in him and treating him as a friend, not just calling him one.
Though we lack the specific foresight our fully-divine Savior had, we can recognize that people will hurt us and choose to be in relationship anyway, believing that the boon of relationship outweighs the risk. (I’m not advocating for cynicism but realism here: humans are prone to failure.*) As fellow, broken, sinful humans, we’ll do the hurting, too, at some point and will need to fall on His and their grace for forgiveness.
If we fight the instinct to flee and instead invest in friendships, we’ll not only enjoy the fun of having pals, we’ll also experience what God intended for His people: being sharpened by one another (Proverbs 27:17, Ephesians 4:15), sharing burdens (Galatians 6:2), giving and receiving encouragement (Hebrews 10:24), and being part of His Body (1 Corinthians 3:16, 12:12-13).
It’s worth it, friends. It’s worth it.
*Let’s also exercise wisdom and healthy boundaries; I’m not suggesting we subject ourselves to deliberate hurt at the hands of another, whether physical or otherwise. Instead, I suggest we overlook the kinds of offenses common to friendships.
For more on friendship, click the “Friendship” tag below. 💛