In the silence

SilenceNo news is bad news in my little world.

I found (yet) another place where my pessimism reigns: communication. Specifically, the lack thereof. To me, the absence of information can only be interpreted negatively. Though there are juvenile aspects to this tendency (likely the residue from middle school girls’  tactics of ignoring someone when mad), I recognize that a large portion of it is simply my bias:

  • If a lengthy period of time elapses between communication with a friend, I routinely begin to wonder whether something is amiss in our relationship.
  • When someone offers feedback on a portion of my work, but doesn’t mention another aspect, I assume they didn’t appreciate the part they chose not to discuss with me.
  • After posting a new blog, and receiving no comments from readers, I immediately believe the content didn’t resonate with anyone and therefore wasn’t valuable. 

While my negative assumptions are plausible — all of those scenarios could prove true — this effort to “learn optimism” has forced me to see that my assumptions aren’t necessarily true. Or at least aren’t true 100% of the time, as my mind would have me believe.

Not only do I need to reflect on what is true, as mentioned in a previous post, but I need to remind myself of the many times my assumptions were proved false as a means to “fill in the silence” with something less negative:

  • Not long ago, I reconnected (via Facebook) with a high school friend. After discussing the in-between years, I remarked that I’d wondered whether we’d left off on bad terms. My friend was downright puzzled by my quip, “Why would you think that?” Clearly, I was wrong.
  • As a professional writer, I’m responsible for making my clients look good. Their edits and suggestions help me put their best foot forward; I need the input to help me understand their industries — even if it comes with lots of strikethroughs and Microsoft Word review balloons. I was thrilled when one client went so far as to write an unsolicited letter commending me to my boss recently. Woop!
  • Today I received an email from a reader remarking that she’d shared my blog with a new friend, believing that some of what I’ve written here would encourage her. Though I didn’t see her name in any comments at the bottom of a blog post, this action on her part affirms me tremendously and was actually the catalyst for this post. (Thanks, KL!)

I hope to swing myself closer to center by reframing silence to be — at worst — neutral. I must realize there’s no need to interpret lack of information or communication negatively until something indicates I actually should. It reminded me a bit of Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:34:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (NIV)

No need for me to “borrow” against potential bad news when it hasn’t yet arrived.

[Tweet “Silence isn’t necessarily negative. #thinkonthesethings #write31days”]

ThinkThis post is part of a 31 day series entitled “Think on these things: Learning optimism.” For a full catalog of all the posts, visit the first page in the series by clicking here.

 

 

Posted in Faith, Learning Optimism and tagged , ,

40 Comments

  1. Tara Ulrich on October 22, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    Another great post. Those small moments of encouragement can make a huge difference.



  2. Tara Ulrich on October 22, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    Another great post. Those small moments of encouragement can make a huge difference.



  3. Jannica on October 22, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    Although I don’t usually have the pessimistic bent that you write about in this series, I’m loving it, Kirsten! I always benefit from the scripture you share and the examples you give. This helpful perspective helps me step into someone else’s shoes where I wouldn’t naturally go, giving me gained insight to have compassion and grace and to offer some encouragement. As a friend who knows you a little bit, I find myself grinning as I read your words, thinking of the times we’ve discussed this very thing during a run or over coffee together. Thank you for challenging yourself to write about this and for the wise words you are penning. Carry on… this is good stuff!



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 24, 2014 at 11:43 am

      Thanks, Jannica, for stopping by to see how the other half lives. 🙂 Your response encourages me!



  4. Jannica on October 22, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    Although I don’t usually have the pessimistic bent that you write about in this series, I’m loving it, Kirsten! I always benefit from the scripture you share and the examples you give. This helpful perspective helps me step into someone else’s shoes where I wouldn’t naturally go, giving me gained insight to have compassion and grace and to offer some encouragement. As a friend who knows you a little bit, I find myself grinning as I read your words, thinking of the times we’ve discussed this very thing during a run or over coffee together. Thank you for challenging yourself to write about this and for the wise words you are penning. Carry on… this is good stuff!



    • Kirsten on October 24, 2014 at 7:10 am

      Jannica, thanks for taking the time to say hello (as you can see, that means something to me)! I know you’re an optimist and this must seem like a foreign language. I hope it is, indeed, helpful. 🙂



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 24, 2014 at 11:43 am

      Thanks, Jannica, for stopping by to see how the other half lives. 🙂 Your response encourages me!



  5. Think on these things: A 31 day series on learning optimism | Eight Twenty-Eight on October 24, 2014 at 6:55 am

    […] to Center Honorable /ˈänərəb(ə)l/ Pollyannaism Rooting for good Guarded Just /jəst/ Pffffft Sleeping on it In the silence Lovely /ˈləvlē/ No need to read between the […]



  6. Think on these things: A 31 day series on learning optimism | Eight Twenty-Eight on October 24, 2014 at 6:55 am

    […] to Center Honorable /ˈänərəb(ə)l/ Pollyannaism Rooting for good Guarded Just /jəst/ Pffffft Sleeping on it In the silence Lovely /ˈləvlē/ No need to read between the […]



  7. Jennifer Camp on October 24, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Wow, I can struggle with, too. I love the topics you bring up, Kirsten. I do this with my own husband all the time. Just the morning, when we are heading out the door to write together, I felt insecure because he was being quiet and wasn’t talking much that morning. For me, when there is a lack of communication, I immediately wonder if I have done something wrong, or I view the lack of communication as a problem that needs to be fixed. (My pride and self-centeredness coming into play big time here . . .) Thank you so much, Kirsten, as always, for getting me to think. You lead with your wisdom and your vulnerability.



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 24, 2014 at 11:44 am

      Jennifer, you’re wise to recognize that it’s self-center to assume we are the problem (if there even is one!). Hope your writing session is/was productive and meaningful for you and your hubs.



  8. Jennifer Camp on October 24, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Wow, I can struggle with, too. I love the topics you bring up, Kirsten. I do this with my own husband all the time. Just the morning, when we are heading out the door to write together, I felt insecure because he was being quiet and wasn’t talking much that morning. For me, when there is a lack of communication, I immediately wonder if I have done something wrong, or I view the lack of communication as a problem that needs to be fixed. (My pride and self-centeredness coming into play big time here . . .) Thank you so much, Kirsten, as always, for getting me to think. You lead with your wisdom and your vulnerability.



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 24, 2014 at 11:44 am

      Jennifer, you’re wise to recognize that it’s self-center to assume we are the problem (if there even is one!). Hope your writing session is/was productive and meaningful for you and your hubs.



  9. Heather on October 24, 2014 at 11:17 am

    I do these same things. All the time….
    I’ve been learning not to let what I think people think be a problem for me. Silence is tough to deal with for me, especially in my marriage, because it definitely MUST mean something is wrong between us. It is difficult to conquer this problem but the more I trust in God, and let Him lead my footsteps, the easier it’s getting to let go of these “control” issues.
    I love your articles! Keep writing.



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 24, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Thanks, Heather! Glad you popped by. And it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who does it (though I’m sorry any of us does). As you said, keep trusting in God!



  10. Heather on October 24, 2014 at 11:17 am

    I do these same things. All the time….
    I’ve been learning not to let what I think people think be a problem for me. Silence is tough to deal with for me, especially in my marriage, because it definitely MUST mean something is wrong between us. It is difficult to conquer this problem but the more I trust in God, and let Him lead my footsteps, the easier it’s getting to let go of these “control” issues.
    I love your articles! Keep writing.



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 24, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Thanks, Heather! Glad you popped by. And it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who does it (though I’m sorry any of us does). As you said, keep trusting in God!



  11. Val Kleppen on October 27, 2014 at 9:23 am

    All I can say is….YES!!! You were in my head with this post. Thank you so much for helping me sort it out!



  12. Val Kleppen on October 27, 2014 at 9:23 am

    All I can say is….YES!!! You were in my head with this post. Thank you so much for helping me sort it out!



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      Thanks, Val! Hope you keep it “sorted” — that’ll be my problem (staying optimistic!).



  13. Cynthia Mcgarity on October 27, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Thanks Kirsten, for these thoughts. I, too, spent way too much time – years, in fact! – letting my imagination run wild with negative thoughts in the silence. How beautiful that this 31 day series holds such value for you in learning ways to combat the pessimism. SO smart to do that! Thanks for these important reminders. (P.S. Love your one thought tweetable sentence in each of your posts. Really, really clever!)



  14. Cynthia Mcgarity on October 27, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Thanks Kirsten, for these thoughts. I, too, spent way too much time – years, in fact! – letting my imagination run wild with negative thoughts in the silence. How beautiful that this 31 day series holds such value for you in learning ways to combat the pessimism. SO smart to do that! Thanks for these important reminders. (P.S. Love your one thought tweetable sentence in each of your posts. Really, really clever!)



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      Cynthia, thanks for “getting it” even though I wish neither of us did this. It’s been a good series for me to do. Thanks for popping in!



  15. Anita on October 27, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    I needed to read this today! Thank you for reminding me that silence isn’t always full of the terrors I’ve invented for it.



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      Oh my goodness, Anita. I LOVE the way you put that — the terrors I’ve invented for it. You’re funny!



  16. Anita on October 27, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    I needed to read this today! Thank you for reminding me that silence isn’t always full of the terrors I’ve invented for it.



    • Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      Oh my goodness, Anita. I LOVE the way you put that — the terrors I’ve invented for it. You’re funny!



  17. Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Oh my goodness, Anita. I LOVE the way you put that — the terrors I’ve invented for it. You’re funny!



  18. Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Oh my goodness, Anita. I LOVE the way you put that — the terrors I’ve invented for it. You’re funny!



  19. Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Oh my goodness, Anita. I LOVE the way you put that — the terrors I’ve invented for it. You’re funny!



  20. Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Cynthia, thanks for “getting it” even though I wish neither of us did this. It’s been a good series for me to do. Thanks for popping in!



  21. Kirsten Holmberg on October 27, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Cynthia, thanks for “getting it” even though I wish neither of us did this. It’s been a good series for me to do. Thanks for popping in!



  22. Admirable /adm(ə)rəb(ə)l/ | Eight Twenty-Eight on October 28, 2014 at 4:09 am

    […] it as one of the best tools I have to improve as a speaker. I don’t always get any input (which I interpret negatively), but I frequently do receive some comments that help me sharpen a message or bring additional […]



  23. Admirable /adm(ə)rəb(ə)l/ | Eight Twenty-Eight on October 28, 2014 at 4:09 am

    […] it as one of the best tools I have to improve as a speaker. I don’t always get any input (which I interpret negatively), but I frequently do receive some comments that help me sharpen a message or bring additional […]



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    […] it as one of the best tools I have to improve as a speaker. I don’t always get any input (which I interpret negatively), but I frequently do receive some comments that help me sharpen a message or bring additional […]



  25. Admirable /adm(ə)rəb(ə)l/ | Eight Twenty-Eight on October 28, 2014 at 4:09 am

    […] it as one of the best tools I have to improve as a speaker. I don’t always get any input (which I interpret negatively), but I frequently do receive some comments that help me sharpen a message or bring additional […]



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    […] it as one of the best tools I have to improve as a speaker. I don’t always get any input (which I interpret negatively), but I frequently do receive some comments that help me sharpen a message or bring additional […]



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