How to make forgiveness a habit
Habits.
I’ve got some good ones: Flossing. Exercise. Budgeting and bank reconciliations.
And I’ve got some bad ones: Phone pick-ups. Dirty chai lattes. Returning shoes. (I have yet to diagnose the reason behind my lack of ability to commit to a shoe purchase.)
I’m intentional about habit-building. I have regular goal-setting sessions (not just at the beginning of the year) and often ask myself what habits and disciplines I need in order to achieve those goals.
Given this proclivity, it’s easy to see why my ears perked up when someone applied the word “habit” to Matthew 18:21-22.
Peter (whom I adore for his blunt, impetuous temperament) asks Jesus how many times he must forgive someone who sins against him. He seems to think himself magnanimous by suggesting he forgive “As many as seven times?” Jesus’ response? Seventy-seven times. Some translations render it seventy times seven.
Oof. That escalated quickly.
Even though Jesus upped the ante here, we’re still not off the forgiveness hook after 77 (or even 490) times. We might prefer to think there’s a limit to what He asks of us in this area, but if we’re focusing on the number of rounds of offense and forgiveness, we’ve missed the point entirely:
Jesus’ response was never intended to offer some sort of threshold at which we have permission to wash our hands of those who repeatedly injure us or allow us to harbor anger.
Instead, His words were always aimed at cultivating in us a character trait, to develop in us a habit of forgiveness. (I’m not suggesting we permit ongoing trespass; boundaries are healthy.) What’s being addressed in this passage is the condition of our hearts.
If forgiveness is a habit—one Jesus wants us to build—then let’s get practical: How?
I’ll admit I’m on the front end of looking at forgiveness as a habit so I don’t have tried-and-true suggestions to offer, but here are four ideas:
- Write it out: If you’re a gratitude journal-er, add a line to your daily entry to record an offense you choose to forgive.
- Make it audible or visible: Set a daily or hourly alarm or change your phone’s lock screen to prompt the practice. (I find that just seeing a new screen is enough to grab my attention but a photo with text would be even more effective.)
- Tie it to a number: Given the verse’s connection to seven/seventy, use the number seven as a reminder to pause for forgiveness. For example: dates, times of day, purchase prices, or flight numbers that contain the number seven.
- Do something physical: Consider offering a prayer of forgiveness each time you wash your hands. The act of cleansing will offer a rich symbolic meaning.
In each of these scenarios, be specific. Name the offense being forgiven. This will mirror the specificity we (should) bring when we seek forgiveness from God or others.
As with most things in life, we get better at the things we practice. Making a habit of forgiveness will undoubtedly help us become people characterized by forgiveness. In this way, we’ll better reflect who God is to the world around us. Emulating Him—not ridding ourselves of baggage, as culture would say—should be our aim in forgiveness: “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Ephesians 3:13 NIV).
And when we struggle to find it within ourselves to extend forgiveness to another, let’s pause to remember how we grieve God regularly with our wrongdoings and how graciously He forgives us.
… God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8 ESV