How to build friendships when you can’t see each other—or just don’t see eye to eye

Photo of person sitting alone on a bench. Loneliness has spike during COVID.

Friendship during COVID has presented an incredible challenge. Recently updated research from Cigna showed that a staggering 61% of people feel lonely. And that loneliness is as detrimental to our health as smoking and other well-known health problems. 

And those findings were BEFORE coronavirus. I can’t imagine those statistics have improved in recent months.

We need each other. That’s been true since the earliest days of humanity when God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. The Bible speaks a great deal to our being designed for community (and offers much wisdom on how to do it well). I’ve often written and spoken on friendship because of how much I value it. 

COVID is testing friendships in unprecedented ways (though it’s certainly not the only challenge to relationships; political divides and geographic distance are too.). I saw a post on social media in which a person lamented the collapse of 40-year-long friendships because of the differing perspectives on COVID. This makes me ache. While we can avoid topics of conversation we know create conflict (I have friends who’ve agreed to not talk about politics because they both get a big too angsty), coronavirus cannot be avoided as a conversational topic because our (potential) differences affect whether and how we interact at all. 

So, how are we to build friendships right now? How do we make new friends if we’ve recently relocated? I’ve got a few guiding principles to share and then a handful of tips to offer.

Principles for building friendships—always

  • Don’t assume you agree. This one’s a bigger hiccup than we give credit for. We assume that the people we’re around most often will agree with us and are jarred to discover a point of divergence in our thinking. This has happened to me countless times in the course of my adult life. I call it “vanity thinking” but I’m sure sociologists have a better term. Don’t assume your friends have the same perspective on COVID right now; they may have really good reasons for their handling of it (just like you do).
  • Remember that different is good. If everyone around you agrees with you, you’re living in an echo chamber. While this is comfortable and we need to have people in our lives that share our world view, opinions, and ways of thinking, it limits us. If we never hear an opinion different than our own, we’ll make faulty decisions and devolve to group think. It’s true in the workplace; it’s true in friendship. Right now, we need to hold space for those who think differently than we do. Even if we won’t allow them to shape our thinking, not allowing for different responses to a pandemic will only amplify the detrimental effects of it: we’ll all be even lonelier and suffer the related health problems. Agreeing on everything can’t be the goal; remaining committed to the friendship is. 
  • Extend grace. This is always true. We’re flawed human beings who wrong one another and require forgiveness and patience. Right now, that grace is even more vital because we’re all in a state of stress and more likely to be short-tempered and short-sighted. Nobody is exempt from the effects of the virus (socially, physically, emotionally, or financially) which means we’re all experiencing stress. Be generous with your grace.
  • Be intentional. Great friendships (and new friendships) don’t happen accidentally. Be willing to initiate: make the calls, send the texts, pursue your friends. It might seem risky to reach out and can even feel cheesy-awkward, but the payoff is worth it—for your health, their health, and the health of your relationship. Set a reminder on your phone to reach out to someone every day.
  • Be direct and overt about your needs. And then listen to theirs. To help avoid the discord resulting from the differing opinions on COVID, tell your friends that you care about and remain committed to your relationship whether or not you agree on how to handle it (or any other polarizing subject). Reassure friends that you recognize everyone has different needs and different comfort levels (for any number of reasons) and that you respect theirs and want to find the best way for you to continue to interact. By pledging to listen and honor their position, you earn the same respect; saying it out loud fosters the kind of candor necessary for building relationships.

Ways to build friendships during COVID

Some tips to help cement the bond you share with others—whether you can be together or not. 

…when you can be “together” at the same time (synchronously):

  • Pull up camping chairs at a park, in your driveway/parking lot, or backyard. Even when temperatures drop, dress warmly and persevere. Pretend you’re ice fishing.
  • Join an online Bible study—make new friends, build connection with existing ones. Your church probably has a virtual option and some of the interdenominational, international studies also have virtual offerings.
  • Pray together. On the phone, Zoom, or in-person-from-a-safe-distance. I can remember praying daily with a friend on the phone in the wee-hours of the morning in 1996 as she made her way through one of the most difficult break-ups on record. (The phone might even have had a cord!)
  • Go for socially-distanced walks. Find places where you can maintain the distance or walk “together” over the phone, which I’ve done with friends in other states and those who live less than a mile from me when one of us was waiting out COVID exposure. 
  • Interact in virtual social environments like Houseparty, FaceTime, and Zoom. Plan a WFH lunch club or happy hour. 
  • Play online games with friends. The board game Catan has a synchronous online version. (We renamed our Catan thief “Corona” in March.) 
  • Host a Netflix party to watch a movie with friends and/or extended family.
  • Accomplish some outdoor home/yard maintenance with neighbors and friends. Throw-back to the days of barn-raising!

…when you can’t interact because of timing, look for ways to connect asynchronously with friends:

  • Marco Polo is an app that transmits brief video messages as texts. (You could certainly do this through your texting app, too.) Those videos let you see and hear one another (giving you a sense of being “with” them) without having to be on at the same time.
  • Share prayer requests through electronic mediums and actually type out (or record) your prayers for each other. There’s nothing so bonding as prayer and hearing/reading someone’s covering over you is a joy.
  • Start a shared Google doc or a physical “circle journal” with a friend or a few. Insert writing prompts (some of the 36 questions could be great for this), read a book, listen to a podcast, or use a Bible study to stimulate deeper “dialog” than might otherwise arise. Commit to responding at the same cadence so everyone is similarly engaged. 
  • Create a playlist for a friend. (“In the Air Tonight” was on every mixed tape when I was in high school; did you see these twins experience it for the first time?) You’ll likely find some new tunes and experience the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing someone thought of you.
  • Start a dinner co-op. Does your household also seem to need to eat every few minutes? Sheesh. Even if you love cooking, the kitchen never seems to close when everyone is home for so many more hours of the day. Find a buddy to co-op dinners; give each other a night off by doubling your meal and taking it over.  
  • Play asynchronous online games such as Words with Friends.
  • Spare each other some errands by offering to pick up what a neighbor needs from the store. Sharing resources does much to build a sense of community; split some bulk purchases from Costco.

…when you need to forge some new relationships for yourself, or want to show care for those outside your circle:

At the very least, I pray you’ll join me in putting a stake in the ground, saying “no” to the loss of long-held friendships and isolation. Let’s press toward better relationships through this trial, not worse.

In the words of Paul, “I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment.” (1 Corinthians 1:10 ESV)

Let’s refuse to be divided, friends. Because that’s what we are meant to be to each other: friends.

For a little extra inspiration on this topic, take a peek at an article I wrote for Our Daily Bread; let’s take a cue from Texarcana!

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