How to build (and maintain) friendship in an era of division
I could not relate to what she was saying. If I may be candid, I was even a bit turned off by what my friend was sharing with me. I felt the urge to disconnect rise up inside me: Well, I guess I know not to broach *this* topic again in the future.
And then there are the times when I’ve shared my thoughts and experiences with a friend only to have her expression reveal how surprised she was to uncover a difference where we’d previously seemed to share a sense of sameness. I’d wonder whether our friendship had a future; if our friendship had been built on common ground, would this quake bring its demise?
There have been similar instances in many of my friendships over the years. I used to think it meant I hadn’t found the “right” people to have in my life… that if I kept searching, I’d be able to surround myself with people whose perspectives always aligned with my own. On every topic.
I know, I know… it seems a bit naïve to me, too, when I see it written out in black and white.
And yet, I think—even if only subconsciously—it’s how most of us are interacting with the world. We allow our differences to drive us apart. And the result is a loneliness epidemic. There’s a good bit of research detailing this reality, some of which I’ve written about and referenced before. If the statistics tell even part of the story, about half of us are without even a single meaningful friendship. And while we can’t control all the reasons—and certainly will not lay blame at the feet of those who are ailing from a lack of friendship—there are things we can do differently for ourselves and for others.
The best answer is empathy… but
Much has been said about empathy in recent years. And for good reason: it’s probably the most effective tool for overcoming differences and is an extremely pro-social trait and behavior. While the definition is sometimes hijacked, I like to think of empathy as simply being present in whatever someone else is feeling. Usually, this means we index our own experiences to find something similar, allowing us to imagine what they’re feeling.
But there are times when we simply can’t relate.
Or maybe don’t even want to.
When we are shocked or repelled by someone else’s actions or words, it can be incredibly difficult to summon empathy. Usually because of a lack of personal experience to draw upon.
How to overcome a lack of empathy for someone
If I don’t have a similar experience to draw upon to enter into another person’s feelings, (or am struggling to want to), my go-to tool is curiosity. When I find myself repelled by someone—their betrayal of me, their actions, or their reactions to my revelations—I draw on curiosity to help me overcome the instinct to distance myself. Sometimes this takes the form of asking (genuine, not pointed) questions of them. Other times it’s an internal process of reflection or journaling.
We won’t always understand; curiosity doesn’t always yield certainty. I can’t promise you that by being curious you will develop empathy and experience healthy relationships. (I wish I could!) But I do see many instances in the Bible where curiosity led people to a new understanding of God, His creation, and others:
- The result of Moses’ curiosity about a burning bush was a revelation of God’s purpose for his life and the deliverance of God’s people from Egypt: “This is amazing,” Moses said to himself. “Why isn’t that bush burning up? I must go see it.” (Exodus 3:3 NLT, emphasis added)
- After a frightening encounter with the heavenly host announcing the birth of Jesus, the shepherds leaned into their puzzlement: “Let’s go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” (Luke 2:15 NLT, emphasis added)
- Peter has a series of visions in which God invites him to eat food previously forbidden as unclean. “While Peter was wondering about the meaning of the vision” he was invited to Cornelius’ house where we see him apply the vision to human relationships (between Jew and Gentile) as well: “God has shown me that I should not call anyone impure or unclean.” (Acts 10:17, 28 NLT, emphasis added)
Curiosity is hard, too (but sometimes easier than empathy)
Peter’s experience especially reminds me that where my instinct might be to withdraw from relationship (or even reject someone), curiosity can help me overcome barriers between myself and another. Bear in mind, Peter would have been utterly reviled by the thought of eating those “unclean” foods and would have disdained fellowship with a Gentile. In our modern American culture, we overlook the weighty significance of that experience for him. His curiosity (and obedience) is an incredible example for us.
Curiosity is vulnerable. To be curious we must admit a gap in our knowledge and experience and surrender ourselves to the discomfort of uncertainty. While that feels daunting, let’s remember the opposite of curiosity is shutting down and withdrawing… choosing to protect ourselves and our preconceptions which only leads to further isolation.
Embracing curiosity, embracing people
Though empathy is the ideal, hurt, confusion, or anger will make it difficult to muster. In such moments, we can lean on curiosity, which will come more easily and often leads to empathy. When we can demonstrate curiosity—and perhaps also ultimately empathy—we’re much more likely to be vessels of God’s love, enabled to show lovingkindness to the people He’s put in our lives.
I suspect we’ll be more likely to receive friendship and love as well.
For more on friendship, click the “friendship” tag below.