Guarded

It was almost comedic. Our outlook biases are so mismatched.

There we sat in her living room. Stacks of paper sequestered neatly in manilla folders, alongside a laptop and coffee mugs. We met to discuss the Bible study we’ve written and our next steps with it. (I’ll tell you more about the study another time, I promise.)

After plotting a loose project map and timeline, our dialog turned to what might come of this study… how God could use it to reach into hearts of women. I wish you could have heard it. Listen in on some clips of our conversation: 

• Optimistic J: “God might use this study to change the lives of those who do it.”
• Me: “I hope you’re right.” (Can you hear me taking her optimism down a notch or two… or 10?)

• Optimistic J: “It will be awesome! I’m so excited!”
• Me: “It will be interesting, won’t it?” (The word ‘interesting’ is a socially acceptable way to cast doubt without sounding disparaging. Ahem.)

• Optimistic J: “I think we’ll have a great turnout for our pilot study group.”
• Me: “But the time of year we’ll roll it out is when most folks are ‘done’ for the year.” (Womp, womp.)

My co-author’s heart is beautifully humble and yielded to God’s purposes in her life. None of her comments were meant to presume on God for our earthly success. Rather they were an expression of enthusiasm and confidence that what’s printed on all those sheets of paper is of value. And I very much want all the things she expressed; I hope they all come to pass.

So, why are these my responses?

I think maybe I’m afraid of disappointment…  using my pessimism as a tool I use to safeguard my heart from the crushing blows of defeat and discouragement.

[Tweet “Pessimism may protect from disappointment, but also robs joy. #thinkonthesethings #write31days”]

Yep, I think that’s it. Or at least part of it. When I see it there — in black and white — it makes me sad. I rob myself and others of joy in the moment because I’m protecting myself from a possible letdown (because it’s an inevitability in my eyes).

In the future, I’ll try to let myself “go there” with this friend, and others. To embrace the zeal with which they view the world, if only momentarily.

I hope to throw my hands up and enjoy the ride when I do.

This post is part of a 31 day series entitled “Think on these things: Learning optimism.” For a full catalog of all the posts, visit the first page in the series by clicking here.