Friendship
Backpacks or burdens: when to ask for (and give) help—and when not to?
For most people I know, asking for help is one of the most difficult things to do. Some of that challenge is particularly American: we were raised on the notion of “rugged individualism.”
Some of it’s also a lack of humility: we don’t like admitting our inability to do something (especially if we believe it is our responsibility).
And sometimes it’s because we’re sensitive to asking for too much from others—perhaps because we ourselves have been presumed upon by someone else in the past.
Conversely, it’s also difficult to know when one should not help, as in the case of enabling something unhealthy for another person or when doing so is to one’s own detriment.
The Bible is replete with verses teaching us to help others. One passage presents what at first seems to be a set of self-contradictory statements:
Read MoreFor when you’re overwhelmed
The last few months have been—in a word—overwhelming.
In general, I’m very diligent about my calendar and not putting too much on it. And yet sometimes it just gets away from me. A few things converged to create this flurry of activity:
- First, a desire to extend and accept invitations to/from new friends in order to build relationships after relocating. It’s been a year since we moved back to Colorado, but cultivating friendships takes time. We’ve tried to make the most of every weekend as an opportunity to create touchpoints with new friends. (Plus, we’ve enjoyed being able to see our family and “old” Boulder friends as often as possible.)
- Second, a series of wonderful family milestones: both of our daughters had graduations that we attended out of town, my in-laws marked their 60th wedding anniversary (amazing!), and we buried a loved one. Plus, there were two personal trips “just for fun” and a couple of houseguests mixed in.
- Third, a big uptick in work travel that sent me across the country in both directions for several consecutive weeks. (I do not know how people travel every week for work… it’s exhausting to me! But I’m eager for a work trip to Boise at the end of the month—I’ll sneak in some Idaho fun while I’m there.)
As you can see, with the exception of burying my uncle, every item on calendar over the last few months has been good. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on any of it.
Read MoreFulfilling the purpose of small groups
I have had the joy of participating in multiple study/community/small groups over the course of my 30+ years as a Christian. For the most part, these weekly gatherings have been a regular boon to my life. They encourage me. They sharpen me. They equip me. I look forward to them.
I say “for the most part” because occasionally the dynamics shift and the benefits are lost (or at least reduced) due to human frailties disrupting the fruitfulness.
Read MoreWhat we miss when we read the Bible alone
I’m a sucker for a good story.
I know you are, too. We can’t help it. God hardwired it into our brains. Functional MRIs show how our brains respond to stories (versus information)—more areas of the brain light up and with greater intensity. And even newer research has shown something fascinating: our heartbeats seem to synchronize when we hear a story at the same time, in a shared experience.
How. Cool. Is. That?!
While this is obviously relevant for my work with speakers in crafting their content, I think there’s a treasure here for followers of God, as well.
Read MoreThree vital ways using our voices shapes our faith
As an introvert, whose nervous system goes into hyperarousal with too much stimuli from sound and light, I often opt for quiet, introspective, individual faith-building practices like reading or prayer. (This is also why welcoming my kids home for visits means I have to gird myself for the steady stream of music! But having them home is worth every loud minute.) I’ve been thinking a lot about voices of late as part of my work as a public speaking coach/consultant. As I’ve reflected, I’ve come to better appreciate how significant our voices are to growing in faith.
Three ways voices play an important role faith-development:
Read MoreHow to build (and maintain) friendship in an era of division
I could not relate to what she was saying. If I may be candid, I was even a bit turned off by what my friend was sharing with me. I felt the urge to disconnect rise up inside me: Well, I guess I know not to broach *this* topic again in the future.
And then there are the times when I’ve shared my thoughts and experiences with a friend only to have her expression reveal how surprised she was to uncover a difference where we’d previously seemed to share a sense of sameness. I’d wonder whether our friendship had a future; if our friendship had been built on common ground, would this quake bring its demise?
There have been similar instances in many of my friendships over the years. I used to think it meant I hadn’t found the “right” people to have in my life… that if I kept searching, I’d be able to surround myself with people whose perspectives always aligned with my own. On every topic.
I know, I know… it seems a bit naïve to me, too, when I see it written out in black and white.
And yet, I think—even if only subconsciously—it’s how most of us are interacting with the world. We allow our differences to drive us apart. And the result is a loneliness epidemic. There’s a good bit of research detailing this reality, some of which I’ve written about and referenced before. If the statistics tell even part of the story, about half of us are without even a single meaningful friendship. And while we can’t control all the reasons—and certainly will not lay blame at the feet of those who are ailing from a lack of friendship—there are things we can do differently for ourselves and for others.
Read MoreWhen you don’t know you’re sick (or somehow forgot)
Is there anything scarier than being sick and not knowing it?
Okay, there probably is. But I find the idea of an undetected illness terrifying. (Just me?)
If you’ve been following Jesus for any length of time, you’re undoubtedly familiar with our sinful nature being likened to an incurable disease that we’re all born with as descendants of Adam. When we trust in Jesus as our Savior we are “cured” through a righteousness transplant of sorts.
Related: New DNA in Jesus (an article I wrote for Our Daily Bread based on an amazing true story)
In Luke 5, Jesus rebuts the Pharisee’s criticism of His willingness to spend time with sinners saying “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:31, 32 ESV)
At first reading, it appears Jesus is describing the gaggle of social outcasts sitting at Levi’s table as being “the sick.” Indeed, they were all spiritually sick and in need of a Savior. And, as the religious elite, the Pharisees knew it too—that’s why they questioned Jesus for associating with them.
While that description may be accurate, it’s not the entirety of what Jesus was communicating. In a poignant way, He was holding a mirror up to the Pharisees, reminding them of the truth contained in (what we call) the Old Testament, asking them to recognize their own spiritual sickness.
This passage should make us uncomfortable, friends. Not because we’ve spent time at Levi’s table as a sinner. We all have! Knowing that about ourselves is what enables us to receive Jesus’ gift as the unfathomable grace that it is.
It should make us uncomfortable because it asks us to see how we’re like the Pharisees.
The Pharisees knew they carried the gene that predisposes us to sin and separation from God—remember, they were the religious experts.
And yet they ended up with hearts far from God, prideful over their position in the Jewish social structures and distancing themselves from those they deemed unseemly. Somehow, it seems they’d forgotten they, too, were ill.
Read MoreOn the other hand…
“You might be immobilized for five or six weeks,” my doctor said.
Ugh.
The possibility of not being able to use of my dominant hand for that length of time struck a chord of fear in this pessimist’s heart.
But my shoulder needed repair so I scheduled it—despite the potential downtime. (I had a similar surgery on my left shoulder about 10 years ago, the hilarious precursor to which I shared here.)
The good news: The surgery is now behind me and I had a better outcome than anticipated—I’m already in rehab.
The bad news: I still don’t have full use of my right/dominant arm.
Read MoreWhen past hurt makes friendship feel scary
He addressed him as “friend.”
“Friend, do what you came to do.” (Matthew 26:50 ESV)
Jesus knew what his friend Judas—one of the close-knit group of disciples—was about to do: betray Him into the hands of His would-be killers. Most of us wouldn’t consider that kind of betrayal a mark of a friend.
Yet Jesus still calls Judas “friend.”
Puzzled by this, I wondered at first if it was just the translation I was reading. Nope, the word “friend” is in every translation I checked.
- Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend.” (NIV)
- Jesus said to him, “Friend, why are you here?” (RSV)
- But Jesus said to him, “Friend, why have you come?” (NKJV)
That’s because it’s in the original Greek version. In Greek, the word is ἑταῖρος.
According to Strong’s it means “a comrade:—fellow, friend.” So there’s really no trying to redefine the word the way Jesus used it.
Why does this matter to us?
Read MoreBreaking bread instead of breaking fellowship
In the coming days (and weeks), many of us will gather with friends or family to share a holiday meal. We’ll put thought into who will encircle the table, extending invitations and setting a time to gather. We’ll put thought into the meal—possibly preparing favorite family recipes. And we might even put thought into what the table itself will look like… A centerpiece? Special plates or utensils? Candles?
But will we put thought into the conversation and the connection?
Or will we leave that to chance?
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