Can you judge a family by their Christmas card? Should you?
Her disgust was vocal and overt.
My friend and I had both received Christmas cards from a third friend. Over the course of the preceding year, we had walked through some significant and painful territory in the life of our mutual friend: a miscarried pregnancy, a grave illness in her extended family, and an arduous household move. Yet the Christmas greeting that arrived in our mailboxes mentioned none of these; rather it was graced with a smiling family photo and written sentiments that noted only pleasurable travel experiences, milestones achieved by children, and professional successes. My friend was visibly agitated by the dissonance between what we had observed in person and what was recorded on paper.
This happened a number of years ago, yet the thought has lingered in my mind… resurfacing at least once a year when my mailbox opens its metal mouth to receive the (slowly diminishing) number of cards that begin to arrive each December.
Why we write
As a professional speaker and writer (blog, book and ghost), I’ve had to learn the art of communicating for my audience’s benefit, not just my own pleasure. I believe that the volume and content should match the aim of the writing and the audience to whom I write. If we write Christmas letters for our own enjoyment, commemorating the year’s events in detailed totality is appropriate. (Perhaps, however, those letters should be preserved as a journal of sorts for posterity, rather than sent to a full ‘subscriber list’?) If we write en masse simply to remind far-away friends that we still value our shared relationship, then both the volume and content might diminish somewhat.
When I took photos of my kids at the start of the school year, I posted about representing our lives with authenticity. I don’t believe that we should bare our souls simply for the sake of ‘being real’ but rather for the purpose of building community. I think true authenticity exercises discernment in knowing (1) when and (2) with whom it is warranted. What’s more, authenticity doesn’t demand full disclosure at all times, nor should we feel compelled to produce some sort of token problem in order to be perceived as ‘being real.’ Which begs the question: is a Christmas card the right forum for airing all aspects of our lives? I just don’t think there’s a hard and fast answer on that, friends. But what I do know is this: In relationships marked with authenticity, friends will share both joys and sorrows — and that hearers (readers) must be equally willing to partake in whichever emotion is present in the life of their chum. If that happens to be only the high points in a Christmas card, so be it.
How we read
Readers have bias, and that bias becomes the lens through which we read the contents of a Christmas letter and view the enclosed portraits. As recipients, we should acknowledge our bias when we tear open those foil-lined envelopes. Whatever our expectations of the contents might be, they will only occasionally match the intention of the writer. Perhaps it reads too long, too short or too impersonal for our taste. If we find the depiction (written or photographed) too rosy and perfect, we must internally acknowledge that it’s not the full picture of the sender’s life — and they likely never meant it to be. As a loving demonstration of friendship, can we simply embrace what they highlighted that year without begrudging them their joys? Permit them the pleasure of savoring the delights of their own lives. Know that the painful and messy moments from the year were profound, poignant moments with God that marked them forever but are not, perhaps, places in which they choose to linger mentally or broadcast widely. Authenticity may require intentionality, but neglecting to mention hardships in an annual mass-mailing can hardly be construed as intent to deceive.
So, I say, “no.” We cannot judge a family by their Christmas card. Nor should we. We must neither assume their lives to be Pinterest-perfect based on the photo nor condemn them for choosing to relate their favorite moments in the letter. If we base our opinions of the sender on their cards, we’ve missed the point entirely. Jesus is God’s Word made flesh (John 1:1) and He was sent to restore our relationship with a Holy God. Our Christmas letters are but small, token emulations of the Good News… sent to bear our affections for others across miles.
May we receive them as such.
Do you agree or not? I’d love to hear your opinions.
Share them in the comments below.
Hi Kirsten,
I agree with you. I expect Christmas letters to be an overview of the high points of the year, with perhaps information on a medical challenge of a parent if it impacted my life (ie: spent time taking care of my mother during an illness), etc., but I don’t expect to see ‘struggled with my alcoholism this year” or ‘endured another year of challenging relationships” (fictional examples)…. I would expect my close friends to know that already, and I don’t send letters to them. I personally just send letters to those out of the area who don’t know the day to day activities of our family, so that they are somewhat in the loop on us. And I love receiving letters from everyone else, regardless of how distant we have become.
Supposedly Queen Victoria is the originator of the ‘mass mailing’ of cards, Lisa. I can’t fathom she aired her struggles in such a public fashion. I just love having the touchpoint from folks — reminds me how fortunate I am to have such neat people in my life. Thanks for reading along!
Hi Kirsten,
I agree with you. I expect Christmas letters to be an overview of the high points of the year, with perhaps information on a medical challenge of a parent if it impacted my life (ie: spent time taking care of my mother during an illness), etc., but I don’t expect to see ‘struggled with my alcoholism this year” or ‘endured another year of challenging relationships” (fictional examples)…. I would expect my close friends to know that already, and I don’t send letters to them. I personally just send letters to those out of the area who don’t know the day to day activities of our family, so that they are somewhat in the loop on us. And I love receiving letters from everyone else, regardless of how distant we have become.
Supposedly Queen Victoria is the originator of the ‘mass mailing’ of cards, Lisa. I can’t fathom she aired her struggles in such a public fashion. I just love having the touchpoint from folks — reminds me how fortunate I am to have such neat people in my life. Thanks for reading along!
Hi Kirsten,
I agree with you. I expect Christmas letters to be an overview of the high points of the year, with perhaps information on a medical challenge of a parent if it impacted my life (ie: spent time taking care of my mother during an illness), etc., but I don’t expect to see ‘struggled with my alcoholism this year” or ‘endured another year of challenging relationships” (fictional examples)…. I would expect my close friends to know that already, and I don’t send letters to them. I personally just send letters to those out of the area who don’t know the day to day activities of our family, so that they are somewhat in the loop on us. And I love receiving letters from everyone else, regardless of how distant we have become.
Supposedly Queen Victoria is the originator of the ‘mass mailing’ of cards, Lisa. I can’t fathom she aired her struggles in such a public fashion. I just love having the touchpoint from folks — reminds me how fortunate I am to have such neat people in my life. Thanks for reading along!
So well put, my friend. You know this has been quite a challenging year for us, and I think I wrote and edited and rewrote and edited our Christmas letter at least 4 times this year before arriving at one that I felt good about sending. A few others, were saved because they really read like more of a journal for our family. I read a Christmas letter I wrote 15 years ago in the midst of another life-altering event and though it was two pages, it was filled with God stops throughout and I hope encouraged someone else about His goodness despite challenges. Anyway, this year, proved to be exceedingly difficult to encapsulate so we centered on staying upbeat and positive because with Christmas comes HOPE and we do have HOPE for our future, whatever that may bring. 🙂 Merry Christmas!
So well put, my friend. You know this has been quite a challenging year for us, and I think I wrote and edited and rewrote and edited our Christmas letter at least 4 times this year before arriving at one that I felt good about sending. A few others, were saved because they really read like more of a journal for our family. I read a Christmas letter I wrote 15 years ago in the midst of another life-altering event and though it was two pages, it was filled with God stops throughout and I hope encouraged someone else about His goodness despite challenges. Anyway, this year, proved to be exceedingly difficult to encapsulate so we centered on staying upbeat and positive because with Christmas comes HOPE and we do have HOPE for our future, whatever that may bring. 🙂 Merry Christmas!
So well put, my friend. You know this has been quite a challenging year for us, and I think I wrote and edited and rewrote and edited our Christmas letter at least 4 times this year before arriving at one that I felt good about sending. A few others, were saved because they really read like more of a journal for our family. I read a Christmas letter I wrote 15 years ago in the midst of another life-altering event and though it was two pages, it was filled with God stops throughout and I hope encouraged someone else about His goodness despite challenges. Anyway, this year, proved to be exceedingly difficult to encapsulate so we centered on staying upbeat and positive because with Christmas comes HOPE and we do have HOPE for our future, whatever that may bring. 🙂 Merry Christmas!
One additional random thought…we also felt like those who know us best already knew all the ups and downs of the year and likely didn’t need to hear PAGES of a re-hash…so straight-to-the-point fact reporting with an upbeat tone seemed like a better approach for the masses. Anyway, what you wrote is really good food for thought, and I am glad to know I’m not the only one who struggles about what to put on paper in a Christmas letter!! 😉
Saving those old letters (in journal-fashion) is a wonderful way to savor those moments that we deemed worthy of documenting, Jeannette! And your additional thought sums up my position perfectly. 🙂
How timely Kirsten,
I’ve been thinking a lot about this b/c I have sometimes been a little cynical when I read a letter with such ‘glowing’ remarks and know I have to be careful not to judge — but, I laugh too b/c how often do we open a letter and read ‘realness’ and not just ‘perfectness.’ — anyhow, I appreciate your thorough take on this matter and perspective . . . I’m still thinking on this . . . and actually working on our cards today – sometimes I just want to say, “Here’s the deal – our picture may look great, but sometimes our attitudes are not “. . . or, “We’ve learned how to exercise more patience and grace this year than we ever thought possible!” A little tongue and cheek . . . I guess I grow weary when I open another ‘trophy case’ letter — Alright, I better stop — You know me well enough to know I say these things in love . . . Your sister, Hester 😉
How timely Kirsten,
I’ve been thinking a lot about this b/c I have sometimes been a little cynical when I read a letter with such ‘glowing’ remarks and know I have to be careful not to judge — but, I laugh too b/c how often do we open a letter and read ‘realness’ and not just ‘perfectness.’ — anyhow, I appreciate your thorough take on this matter and perspective . . . I’m still thinking on this . . . and actually working on our cards today – sometimes I just want to say, “Here’s the deal – our picture may look great, but sometimes our attitudes are not “. . . or, “We’ve learned how to exercise more patience and grace this year than we ever thought possible!” A little tongue and cheek . . . I guess I grow weary when I open another ‘trophy case’ letter — Alright, I better stop — You know me well enough to know I say these things in love . . . Your sister, Hester 😉
How timely Kirsten,
I’ve been thinking a lot about this b/c I have sometimes been a little cynical when I read a letter with such ‘glowing’ remarks and know I have to be careful not to judge — but, I laugh too b/c how often do we open a letter and read ‘realness’ and not just ‘perfectness.’ — anyhow, I appreciate your thorough take on this matter and perspective . . . I’m still thinking on this . . . and actually working on our cards today – sometimes I just want to say, “Here’s the deal – our picture may look great, but sometimes our attitudes are not “. . . or, “We’ve learned how to exercise more patience and grace this year than we ever thought possible!” A little tongue and cheek . . . I guess I grow weary when I open another ‘trophy case’ letter — Alright, I better stop — You know me well enough to know I say these things in love . . . Your sister, Hester 😉
Yep, you’ve got it exactly, Hester. Love your quips — and would enjoy seeing them on a card, too. 🙂 I, however, am abstaining from sending a card this year altogether!
Love this timely reminder, Kirsten. When we open Christmas cards this season, let’s view them through Jesus’ eyes. Appreciating the time and love that went into sending a card to us in the first place, and being grateful to be the recipient of that love! (& graciously forgiving those of us who aren’t sending out cards this year) ;)))
Love this timely reminder, Kirsten. When we open Christmas cards this season, let’s view them through Jesus’ eyes. Appreciating the time and love that went into sending a card to us in the first place, and being grateful to be the recipient of that love! (& graciously forgiving those of us who aren’t sending out cards this year) ;)))
Love this timely reminder, Kirsten. When we open Christmas cards this season, let’s view them through Jesus’ eyes. Appreciating the time and love that went into sending a card to us in the first place, and being grateful to be the recipient of that love! (& graciously forgiving those of us who aren’t sending out cards this year) ;)))
Tammy, your attitude is exactly what I think Jesus wants from us. GRATEFUL! Thanks for commenting. 🙂
Love this timely reminder, Kirsten. When we open Christmas cards this season, let’s view them through Jesus’ eyes. Appreciating the time and love that went into sending a card to us in the first place, and being grateful to be the recipient of that love! (& graciously forgiving those of us who aren’t sending out cards this year) ;)))
Tammy, your attitude is exactly what I think Jesus wants from us. GRATEFUL! Thanks for commenting. 🙂
Good article, Kirsten!
Good article, Kirsten!
Good article, Kirsten!
Good article, Kirsten!
I don’t think the Chrismas card portrayals are as hard for me as the endless Facebook posts that portray perfection. I actually think post after post never showing a flaw can be harming to other people who, even subconsciously, are pressured into an unattainable and unrealistic image that edits out any messiness. Okay, there is my judgmental comment for the day.
I don’t think the Chrismas card portrayals are as hard for me as the endless Facebook posts that portray perfection. I actually think post after post never showing a flaw can be harming to other people who, even subconsciously, are pressured into an unattainable and unrealistic image that edits out any messiness. Okay, there is my judgmental comment for the day.
I don’t think the Chrismas card portrayals are as hard for me as the endless Facebook posts that portray perfection. I actually think post after post never showing a flaw can be harming to other people who, even subconsciously, are pressured into an unattainable and unrealistic image that edits out any messiness. Okay, there is my judgmental comment for the day.
I don’t think the Chrismas card portrayals are as hard for me as the endless Facebook posts that portray perfection. I actually think post after post never showing a flaw can be harming to other people who, even subconsciously, are pressured into an unattainable and unrealistic image that edits out any messiness. Okay, there is my judgmental comment for the day.
Very fair point, Jim. FB is another forum of ‘media’ input that we DO have control over but is feeding something unhealthy in our lives. We need to communicate intentionally for sure. But is FB the right forum for baring our souls? Probably not — yet we can consciously attempt to portray accuracy. 🙂 Thanks for commenting!
good hard subject. mediated reality. self communication. authentic relationship. distance. occasional contact. what a struggle. what potential.
good hard subject. mediated reality. self communication. authentic relationship. distance. occasional contact. what a struggle. what potential.