Can you judge a family by their Christmas card? Should you?

Her disgust was vocal and overt.

My friend and I had both received Christmas cards from a third friend. Over the course of the preceding year, we had walked through some significant and painful territory in the life of our mutual friend: a miscarried pregnancy, a grave illness in her extended family, and an arduous household move. Yet the Christmas greeting that arrived in our mailboxes mentioned none of these; rather it was graced with a smiling family photo and written sentiments that noted only pleasurable travel experiences, milestones achieved by children, and professional successes. My friend was visibly agitated by the dissonance between what we had observed in person and what was recorded on paper. 

This happened a number of years ago, yet the thought has lingered in my mind… resurfacing at least once a year when my mailbox opens its metal mouth to receive the (slowly diminishing) number of cards that begin to arrive each December.

Why we write

As a professional speaker and writer (blog, book and ghost), I’ve had to learn the art of communicating for my audience’s benefit, not just my own pleasure. I believe that the volume and content should match the aim of the writing and the audience to whom I write. If we write Christmas letters for our own enjoyment, commemorating the year’s events in detailed totality is appropriate. (Perhaps, however, those letters should be preserved as a journal of sorts for posterity, rather than sent to a full ‘subscriber list’?) If we write en masse simply to remind far-away friends that we still value our shared relationship, then both the volume and content might diminish somewhat.

When I took photos of my kids at the start of the school year, I posted about representing our lives with authenticity. I don’t believe that we should bare our souls simply for the sake of ‘being real’ but rather for the purpose of building community. I think true authenticity exercises discernment in knowing (1) when and (2) with whom it is warranted. What’s more, authenticity doesn’t demand full disclosure at all times, nor should we feel compelled to produce some sort of token problem in order to be perceived as ‘being real.’  Which begs the question: is a Christmas card the right forum for airing all aspects of our lives? I just don’t think there’s a hard and fast answer on that, friends. But what I do know is this: In relationships marked with authenticity, friends will share both joys and sorrows — and that hearers (readers) must be equally willing to partake in whichever emotion is present in the life of their chum. If that happens to be only the high points in a Christmas card, so be it.

How we read

Readers have bias, and that bias becomes the lens through which we read the contents of a Christmas letter and view the enclosed portraits. As recipients, we should acknowledge our bias when we tear open those foil-lined envelopes. Whatever our expectations of the contents might be, they will only occasionally match the intention of the writer. Perhaps it reads too long, too short or too impersonal for our taste. If we find the depiction (written or photographed) too rosy and perfect, we must internally acknowledge that it’s not the full picture of the sender’s life — and they likely never meant it to be. As a loving demonstration of friendship, can we simply embrace what they highlighted that year without begrudging them their joys? Permit them the pleasure of savoring the delights of their own lives. Know that the painful and messy moments from the year were profound, poignant moments with God that marked them forever but are not, perhaps, places in which they choose to linger mentally or broadcast widely. Authenticity may require intentionality, but neglecting to mention hardships in an annual mass-mailing can hardly be construed as intent to deceive.

So, I say, “no.” We cannot judge a family by their Christmas card. Nor should we. We must neither assume their lives to be Pinterest-perfect based on the photo nor condemn them for choosing to relate their favorite moments in the letter. If we base our opinions of the sender on their cards, we’ve missed the point entirely. Jesus is God’s Word made flesh (John 1:1) and He was sent to restore our relationship with a Holy God. Our Christmas letters are but small, token emulations of the Good News… sent to bear our affections for others across miles.

May we receive them as such.

Do you agree or not? I’d love to hear your opinions.
Share them in the comments below.